Tag Archives: loss

Hope in a healthy package

A touching letter that I recently received from a reader :

I Would like to advertise through you. I am aware you do have a separate marketing email address.  Will tell you about my product and how i got started.
My name is X. Been preparing this email all morning in my head and finding it difficult to start now.  

10 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Cant say it was a surprise to me when I've suffered from depression since the age of 7. My depression only got noticed in my final year of school when i didn't go to school for 3 months and shut everybody out. Only got treatment at the age of 21 for a brief period of time because I chose to move to the UK and lived there for 3 and a half years. The past 10 years have been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  

Being only married for 2 years when i was diagnosed it was a difficult adjustment for my husband and I.  Contemplated divorce may times because I found it difficult being married and living with bipolar disorder and didn't want my husband to have to live with someone that was ill. Studied interior decorating in the 10 years but that came with many challenges.  It was a passion of mine and i wanted to pursue. Having  the ability to walk into a space and change everything in my mind interior decorating wise. Studying and dealing with bipolar in its early stages was very difficult.  My meds were being changed every 2 weeks to try and see what works and getting the right dosage. Ended up in hospital the first time in my first year of studying  for cutting my wrist.  Was stabilized had a nurse (who after years will come back into my life) look after me that night c in hospital  and then booked into a "wellness clinic". Had to under go shock treatment.  The second year of study my manic episode (which entailed no sleep and extremely hyper) lasted 2 weeks and i got my husband to book me into hospital because i was exhausted and just needed to shut off. Unfortunately the medication i was given send me into suicidal depression and again was booked into a wellness clinic. The years following that are a blank to me because of the highs and lows and the different medications.   

Towards the end of 2012 alhumdulillah i was doing ok. up to that point i was ok with not haven fallen pregnant.  I knew Allah knows best and i was ok with not having children.. But i also knew my husband would have loved to have children and part of me wanted to make him happy by giving him this gift. We've come so far and been through so many obstacles in our marriage.  So that November while on holiday in Dubai i discussed with him the idea of having a child. When we got home we arranged an appointment with a fertility Dr.

 First had to get the go ahead from my psychiatrist and psychologist.  Had to get weaned off all my meds. Had the ivf and explained to my husband i will only try it once because it was very difficult being off my meds. If the ivf didn't work then at least we know we've tried. Allah knows best.  I only produced 3 eggs with the fertility treatment.  Usually women produce 10 or more. Can remember feeling very disheartened that day. Fortunately all three eggs fertilised.  After the 12 days of having the eggs implanted having the pregnancy blood test we got the call i was pregnant. Alhumdulillah.  Was pregnant with triplets.  Lol i can still remember how worried the fertility dr was and ask me if I would like to reduce the eggs. He was worried about me having bipolar and coping with looking after 3 babies. My reply was no. Allah knows best. 

At 25 weeks went into labor.  My beautiful babies were born. Aydin 815g , Eva 715g and Sofia 680g. Couldn't believe they'd all come out of me. 2 daughters and a son. 10 days later Sofia developed an infection in ICU and was being treated. We use to visit the hospital in the morning and evening. Nurses felt i needed to rest. That evening we were getting ready to go to the hospital when we got a call saying we should please hurry Sofia isn't doing to well. When we got to the hospital i expected the dr to inform us she was really ill instead we were told she'd past away. I can't explain to you the shock i felt. was like being hit by a bus.  The first time I got to hold my baby was after she'd past away. She was 10 days old. I don't remember much of being in theater when giving birth. I know there were a lot of hospital staff there. My baby weighing 680g giving a little cry when they took her out. I remember the sound of her cry. That was the miracle of Allah. being so little and giving that cry. She was buried that night. 

The next morning you back at the hospital seeing to your other babies. For them was touch and go. You'd visit in the morning and they'd be ok and you'll go in the evening and you wouldn't know if they going to make it. every day would go that way. and on the 26th day i noticed Aydin kidneys wasn't working. dr didn't want to tell me anything yet. and i knew when one organ starts to fail the others seem to follow. i remember sitting at the hospital the whole day by his side. at that point we all knew he might not make it to the next day. the nurses were compassionate enough to lift Aydin out of his incubator with all the pipes and put him in my arms for a little while. 2 helped so they could keep the pipes from moving. it was sweet of them. they didn't have to but they knew i'd held Sofia for the First time after she'd past away and that saddened me. i got to hold my boy while he was still alive. i sat at the hospital the whole night holding his tiny little hand. telling him how much i loved him and that i wished he'd stay but also wanted whats best for him because i loved him so much. my daughters were always going to be daddies girls but he was going to be mine. sad when i think of it. having to sit and watch your baby waiting for him to die. at about 2 am i told my hubby to go home and get some sleep. he was very exhausted as well. told him i'd call him when aydin's sats drop very low. we lived 5 minutes away from the hospital. so it wouldn't take him to long to get here. all i could do was hold his tiny hand and wait. watch him and the screen. at around 3:50 he's sats started dropping very fast. the nurse phoned my hubby. but by the time he'd gotten to the hospital aydin had past away. i remember the sound the monitor makes when the heart stops and the flat line on the screen comes. i also remember on the outside being calm and having patients. this is your will Oh Allah and i accept. but it still felt like being hit by a bus again. even though i was heart broken i accepted it. later that morning aydin was buried and that evening we  were back at the hospital seeing to eva. after sofia passed and and it was touch and go for the other 2 i didn't expect to loose another baby. aydin past away at 27 days old. so 17 days apart i lost 2 of my babies.


eva spent a total for 4 months in icu. her meaning is so fitting. eva means life and she was the only one that survived. the day after aydin past away dr advised us eva needs heart surgery and it will be done the following day. with eva it was the same. touch and go all the time. by 3 months eva still wasn't coming off the oxygen. by the 4th month we had the option of leaving her in hospital another 3 month until she weighs a little more to have half of her left lung removed or we could bring her home on oxygen with the sats monitor and she could have the surgery once she weighs a 6kg. we decided to bring her home. we were fortunate to have a night nurse. medical aid paid for 2 months and we the rest. the nursing company we used sent a nurse who happened to be the same nurse that took care of me that first night in hospital when i cut myself.  someone had to be with her 24/7. the oxygen machine used electricity to filter the air and pass it to her. so you can imagine the anxiety we use to have every time we had load shedding. we had to be so quick to hook her up to her oxygen tank. that became the new normal for us.and slowly i started weaning her off the oxygen. i'd reduce the oxygen and she'll do fine for a little while and then the sats starts to drop and have to increase it. Alhumdulillah eventually i weaned her off. but unfortunately she started drinking less and less milk. when she turned a year she still wasn't six kgs to do the op and i was feeding her with an ng tube. others where freaked out by it. i was so relieved. to be able to get milk into her body. micro prems have so many challenges. she started neuro physio while she was in icu. and carried on until she was over a year. every movement that she makes had to be tough to her. it was hard work. she'd have neuro physio once a week and the rest of the week i'd do the exercises with her. we both never gave up no matter how hard it seemed or how much my heart would break seeing her try so hard. her eyes were very weak and i noticed when i fed her she never looked directly at me. poor thing has a bad squint. so before she even learned how to sit she was already wearing glasses. then came speech therapy, to learn how to eat.  because she learned later than normal kids to eat. she could chew but couldn't swallow. speech therapist was worried she might suffer with her speech later and now we on OT. Eva is going to turn 4 Insha Allah on the 31 Oct. She's extremely hyper active, can't sit still and speaks very well. much to all the specialist surprise. just worry about her squint. she's in nursery school and seems to fit in and the teachers and kids are great. but i worry when she's older. kids can be mean. I've heard kids saying she looks funny because of her squint and glasses. I've even heard adults making fun of her. Insha Allah with time i hope we can rectify it. she sees her ophthalmologist regularly.


so back to me. you know when you wake up one day and look at yourself in the mirror and you looked like you've aged 10yrs. because a combination of the bipolar and the challenges i had after the babies where born. looked in the mirror and didn't like what i saw. ok I've always suffered with low self esteem. unless i was manic. then i felt like miss universe.i needed to see to me. took me 3 years to mourn the loss of my babies. asked my dr once if there was more meds i could take so i didn't have to face my loss. unfortunately there isn't and had to have therapy last year. to deal with it. writing this email hasn't been easy but it would have been a lot more difficult if i didn't have the therapy. i asked my psychiatrist last month if i could study and she advised me not to. my husband won't allow me to work because he's worried the stress of working and seeing to a toddler and the house might become too much for me and i might relapse. so i needed to think of doing something from home. we tend to try and eat healthy not always but most of the time. i made a batch of granola and it come out perfect. so i thought why don't i make and sell. have different varieties. i'll got my labels printed out and my packaging that the granola is going to go into arrived today. made my first 'batch of granola and now the anxiety has set in.  i just need to start selling and that scares me because i don't know where to start. i only started using instagram last year. 

my product isn't just granola. its hope for all the women suffering with a mental illness thinking that they never going to get better.  it isn't just granola but its a start for every mother that has lost a child and cant push them self past the heartache and pain.

its hope in a little healthy package

thank you for taking the time to read my story.

much love

The Edible Mosaic Company

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

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