All posts by Modesty by Bash

Pharmacist by profession. Creative soul with a passion for travel. Love trying out new recipes and reviewing the latest in beauty products . Aspiring to showcase that modesty can be fashionable, elegant and fun

To blog or not to blog

This post is all over the place – I apologise in advance:

So if you’ve been following me since the beginning you’ll know that I never used to show my face in my pics initially- this had alot to do with islamic reasons- slowly as I got caught up in the instagram world and also finding it hard to review scarves/ scarf styles without showing my face, I got a bit lax. I also got alot more lax in my dressing- I used to wear abaya or maxi dresses when I started my page.

In the last few months I have been feeling so uncomfortable everytime I have to pose for pics for instagram- I started feeling like nothing more than a model ( except models have stylists, photographers, hair and makeup people and actually get paid) and I don’t like feeling like one. The first reason is that I know being in hijab means to conceal and not display your beauty especially so publically – When I started my anonymous page @southafricanhijabi , I had no intention or desire to be a blogger. The second reason is that I really don’t like the public life – ie, I had started sharing too much on social media and I would really like to change that. I cringe when people recognise me when I’m out and about.

I don’t want instagram to feel like work and with the amount of products I was receiving it really wasn’t fun anymore. Another thing that I noticed is instagram makes one into a narcissist- its all about feeding the ego. Taking 20 selfies in search of the perfect one for instagram generally makes me realise this.

You want people to respect you and your opinions- people become fame monsters obsessed with getting more followers and likes at any cost many times this includes sacrificing/ compromising your religious beliefs or even trampling over the next person or buying likes or followers. I look at many of the bloggers I looked upto that have been blogging for years and remember what they used to be like in the beginning and how they are now and it frightens me. I would like to progress spiritually and I feel like the more ‘famous’ you become in the instaworld, the harder it becomes because you feel you HAVE to be cool- so be it lip fillers, microblading, fake eyelashes, tattoos, shorter and shorter clothes, more and more hair being revealed- you do it for the likes/attention – I get that everyone is on their own journey with their hijab and I’m not judging anyone I’m just highlighting that instagram/ social media fame brings with it the stress to conform to what’s cool/ be different to stand out and sometimes as muslimahs we go beyond the limits set out by our religion.

I’m not perfect, infact far from it but I do want to grow as a person, as a Muslim and instagram holds me back from that. So if you’ve noticed I’ve deleted about 200 fashion posts because focusing so much on looks/ fashion makes me personally feel shallow- we shouldn’t spend so much of time/ money / effort on our appearances nor on instagram- this is not why we were put here and be sure that Allah will be questioning us on how we spent our time and sad to say, so much of our valuable time is spent scrolling or on content for instagram- Some of it I guess is beneficial- I do appreciate those who have been inspired by me in some way to wear a scarf or dress more modestly but in the same breath can you only be inspired by me if my photography, makeup and posing is on point? I don’t want to be pretentious, I don’t want to feel like I’m showing off or have people envy me or my life. I know social media does make people feel ‘less than’ when they look at other people’s perfect pics and I don’t want to be a source of another person’s sorrow/ heartache- I want more realness- this does not mean I want to share details of my trials or struggles/ share more of my personal life – I just don’t want to be sooo staged and perfectly made up because thats not me and that’s not real. Fame/ thousands of followers is not something I ever desired and It’s not a life goal of mine- instagram fame means nothing to me, It’s just something I think many people do to appear popular or to make money (I don’t need a second income), what I personally love is the ability through my page to promote local/home businesses and to make a difference. Be it the weseeyou campaign or highlighting things like mental illness/infertility/bullying- The change in mindsets and the removal of stigma is more possible with a greater following.

So having said all of this, I will be sharing much less reviews, alot less fashion posts- alot less posing and worrying about perfect pics and curation- I will however be posting adverts, things I like/that catch my attention, speaking about topics close to my heart and having fun again with my page without worrying about whether it fits into anyone’s ideas of what an an instagram page should look like/ be like. Haha and don’t worry I’ll keep you updated on my babies, my doggies too.

Many people may not understand this- there is alot of fakeness in the instagram world- do you think that people send you expensive items expecting negative feedback/reviews. Do you think that if you give a product a bad review that the company will be inclined to send you more items in the future? Think about it… honest bloggers are few and when you’re caught up in the need to get more collaborations/ recognition by brands/ more paid gigs or freebies you tend to buy into the need to exaggerate a products worth.

We want EVERYONE to think hmmm she’s so great in the kitchen, wow she’s so stylish, I wish I could travel as much, I love her reviews /opinions, I wish I had her makeup skills, i wish i had her wardrobe/car/ makeup collection- her life? Don’t kid yourself we are all guilty or else we wouldn’t put so much effort into it- we want that recognition. True value, true recognition does not come from strangers online- infact you’re sacrificing your time away from loved ones to attend instagram related events/ spending valuable time online or in curating content to build up that online persona- why? And I keep asking myself why? To be famous? Why? What will fame in dunya bring you? Is this why we are here? Is it to be so famous that you get the most amazing freebies, paid holidays, a car? Nothing is free dears- everything has strings attached and for me personally I’m content with what I have, I don’t need more.

Instagram feeds my shopping addiction and makes me feel like I need certain items because they will look good in a pic- wear something once and post the pic and now you need a new outfit because everyone’s already seen that one- it makes us super wasteful and greedy. You convince yourself that you need those fancy dishes to plate your food because it’s going to make your food pic ‘the bomb’ – ever done this? I have.

I understand that everyone may not be this way and that there may be many people with huge followings that have managed to stay true to themselves / haven’t succumbed to the hype to have a ‘social media presence’ but this is my experience and this is what I would like to highlight- There are many amazing things about social media, instagram in particular but I have always been weary about what I put out there and not leading people towards evil as I don’t want / need a share of their sin on my head but at the same time I am human and have been guilty of putting out content that sometimes was not in my best interest or that of my followers.

So from now on I will be putting alot more heart and thought into what I decide to put out. I will occasionally do outfit posts if I feel like but without the pressure of having to make it great because I have a business that I feel I ‘owe’ a great picture to because they sent me the item. I will review stuff I buy and occasionally if contacted by businesses and I feel like this product needs the exposure/ Fits in with my new journey then yes I will review it. Everything in my time and on my terms , as it should be.

A big thank you to everyone that I’ve worked with in the past for everything you’ve sent my way and for also understanding the struggle that I always faced with being a ‘public figure’/blogger/just being out there. And I appreciate that many of you were so ready to allow we to remove your clothing reviews off my page .

Some of you may decide to leave and thats okay, some may stay and I appreciate that ❤️ All I hope now is that I can stay true to what I really want.

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Amazing teeth whitening kit results reveal

About two months ago I received The amazing teeth whitening kit from Dentist Dr Amod. It was not my first time using a kit like this so I was quite familiar with how to use these.

The kit consists of a set of gum guards, a case for the guards , 8 ampoules of the whitening gel , a shade kit and a blue led light.

As I’ve mentioned previously, you have to protect your gums because if they are in contact with the gel for prolonged periods, you will get painful blisters!

This is what I do, cotton wool/a cut up cotton pad stuffed in my bottom and top lip and behind my bottom lip to catch the seepage.

The procedure for using these are pretty straight forward and mentioned in full detail at the back of the box. The reason this review took a while is that A) I needed to use these 8 times and B) I don’t like doing treatments one after the other, because even though I didn’t have any teeth sensitivity at all, my gums do tend to get slightly tender so I prefer to leave a day in between treatments.

I kept the guards on for 20-30 minutes and from the shade chart I think I went from a 6/7 to a 2/3 which is amazing results especially for a non -invasive really pocket friendly kit.

The bottom is my (tiny teeth) before and the top is after – no filters used except I should mention the before is taken indoors and the after outside. The results speak for themselves – it works like a bomb! For all queries contact Dr Amod’s practice on 0712060636.

Skin woes

Pimpelia- a name I would give to my elder sibling when her skin was acting up- a fitting description for me this past month- a mixture of hormones and heavy makeup in the Dubai heat had me really battling with my skin recently.

My godsends: the Blossom Blend range of products! L’oreal Pure clay glow mask , Phytocare Lumiluxe and The Ordinary Peeling Solution.

My regimen has gone something like this : use the L’oreal Pure clay glow mask ( available at Clicks, Dischem, Pick n Pay) in the shower. Cleanse my face with face wipes (Nivea or Neutrogena) . Next I use the Exfoliating Toner from Blossomblend followed by the Skinquench gel. Twice a week I use the Oil as well before applying my makeup.

I mentioned previously how much I love the Blossomblend Youthful Tonic Exfoliating toner and when I got back I started using this as well as the other two products from the range- SkinQuench ( with Rosemary and Aloe) and the Blossom Oil Blend.

My only gripe is that the nozzle on my Skinquench was not working properly and I’ve gotten squirts of gel in my eye a few times as it goes EVERYWHERE- I probably just landed a faulty nozzle, nothing major. The Oil you are told to use as a spritz but it’s more of a blob of oil (again my poor eye was victim🤣) that comes out so it’s better to dispense some into your hand and then massage into your skin- but not too much!

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night before bed I've been cleansing my face and applying the Lumiluxe from Phytocare- I absolutely adore the smell of this product! Divine. The results from using this are clearly visible in the mirror on awaking- supple, radiant skin ( the ingredients stimulate collagen production ). This product works great as a primer before makeup application as well.

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stly I've been using The Ordinary Peeling Solution from Muse Beauty to remove marks that the pimples have left behind faster, to give me healthier looking skin and improve my skin tone- this I do once a week (weekend pamper sesh). I've previously done a full review on this product which is a very delicate chemical peel that doesn't hurt at all.

And as Murphy's Law would have it, the moment I stopped using these products diligently I once again am left with 2 annoying little buggers- one on my forehead and one on my chin 😒. I can be so lazy with beauty regimens at times, and I also thought that my skin looked great again so I decided to stop using them so regularly- bad move.

All product suppliers will be tagged in my instagram post. Have you tried any of these products? Please share your thoughts and tips below. Thanks for reading ❤️.

My thoughts on the Mikyajy 22k illuminating baked powder

@Laha_sa recently sent me a Mikyajy 22 K Illuminating baked powder to try out and I was delighted as this is my first product from the range. The baked powder comes in a sleek black packaging and was received in some pretty branded wrapping.

Mikyajy is made in Italy and has over 200 stores in the Middle east. I always walk past it in the malls but never quite made it into one of them.

The packaging is classy and the product has a solid feel to it. I swatched the powder on my hand to get a feel for it and I must admit that at first I wasn’t a 100% sure what its to be used for- is it a finishing powder that you can use to bake/set your concealer? Is it a highlighter?

I quickly checked out @laha_sa and read that it is a highlighter with oil absorbing properties that won’t cake the skin- ok!

I’m not one to try to blind people with my highlighter 😂 and look like a disco ball so I quite like this highlighter. I purchased the Kat Von D Alchemist Holographic Palette and I don’t have the guts to walk around like I have emerald green/sapphire glistening alien skin 🙈. I prefer a product that can be subtle yet you can build it up if there’s load shedding or something- lol I’m just playing- if you are going to a function and need a bit more glam. In the pics below you can view the product on my skin- I think the shade is perfect for Indian skin and looks quite natural- allowing you to have beautiful glowing skin without necessarily looking like you’ve layered on highlighter.

In my next post I’ll highlight the products that helped me get my skin back in great shape after hormones and the heat in Dubai left me with aweful pimples

Dusting out that Kmix

I had to visit some friends this weekend and wanted to take them something home-made so I decided to dust out the old Kmix and whip up some biscuits.

I had alot of hazelnuts and pistachios staring back at me in the fridge so I googled a few recipes and settled on these two that I’ll share with you below.

The first one is these Pistachio and white shortbread biscuits that can be found at https://lovelylittlekitchen.com/white-chocolate-pistachio-shortbread-cookies/ . I’ve been slightly obsessed with pistachios lately and was looking for more of a chocolate chunk pistachio biscuit but my ingredients were a bit limited- these were however very tasty and also quite easy to make. I did run out of icing sugar and had to substitute with a few tablespoons of castor sugar and it thankfully did not really affect the outcome.

The second biscuit that I decided to try can be found at http://juliasalbum.com/2013/12/hazelnut-shortbread-cookies-recipe/ – I really wanted to make these more decadent by giving them a nutella coating but we were unfortunately all out. This is an extremely easy recipe that doesn’t require much effort. I’m not so sure how I feel about the texture of these though… I found it a bit on the dry side- I think the hazelnut to flour ratio is a bit too high- i would in future use a standard shortbread /biscuit recipe adding nuts to the batter or decor.

If you decide to try them, do let me know your thoughts, Also feel free to share your favourite recipes with me in the comments section of this blog post.

Dubai take three

So we recently had a super short break in Dubai- 5 nights to be precise. It was not our first visit so we were pretty clued about about how to get around, which were the better areas to stay in etc. I booked everything myself as usual because I had Hilton Honours points that I wanted to use and because Hubby’s Standard Bank U counts leisure desk was giving us the best price on our Emirate Airline tickets.

Okay so tickets- Emirates booked via the Ucount leisure desk – 30% off (yay). This was very easy to book and the consultants are super patient. Visas were done on the Emirates website and we received these 3 days after applying online.

I promised hubby that It would be a relaxing holiday with lots of recreational activities (not just shopping 😬) , this is why I chose Hilton the Walk on Jbr. There are 3 hiltons at JBr- the hilton jumeirah beach, the walk and a double tree- the double tree does not have the best location. The hilton hotel jumeirah beach has the best location right on the beach but it is a normal hotel with hotel rooms, the walk behind it/linked to it has Hilton apartments -upto 4 bedroom- has their own pool but you are welcome to use all the amenities at the other Hilton as well as the private beach.

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we departed SA at 10:20 pm and arrived in Dubai at 8:20 am Friday morning. I had asked Hilton to please try to give us an early checkin so that The boys could nap before Jumah – they made no promises but said it would be subject to availability- we were delighted when our 3 bedroom sea facing unit was ready for us when we arrived. I forgot to mention that we just grabbed a taxi at the airport ( beige and red- not private).

The apartment was incredibly spacious, beautiful, had a great view, large kitchen and a washing machine with washing powder provided! Guys had a rest before Salaah and then prayed at a masjid just behind the hotel. After jumah a family member picked us up for a delicious South African meal at The Marina. After lunch the guys were still knackered so they slept while my sis and I decided to beat the scorching heat with a swim in the hotel pool. We also squeezed in a short shopping spree at Sephora at The Beach mall infront of our hotel.

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our sunset swim was amazing! And after a shower and change we all headed to Aprons and Hammer (at The Beach) for a delicious Seafood supper. The sizzling summer app had a 20% discount for this restaurant which was indeed welcome as they are a bit on the pricey side. Everything on the menu was fantastic- we had the Seafood Paella, Lobster thermidor, calamari starter and blazing hot wings. Their portions are large and though primarily a seafood restaurant, they also have burgers and steaks on the menu.

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he following morning we woke up relatively early and headed to the Hilton private beach- the water was so warm- I was pleasantly surprised – think Warmbaths outdoor pool – there are many water sports/activities on offer- plenty of shaded loungers and a little kiosk selling drinks, ice creams and meals right on the sand. This was one of my most favourite days in Dubai and I wish that we had a bit more time to enjoy the water. Famished from our swim, we decided to grab some Shake Shack for lunch , the sizzling summer app included a voucher for a free Red Velvet Sundae. Shake shack never dissapoints and we thoroughly enjoyed our meal. We then headed for another dip and then it was time to head over to Dubai Parks and Resorts.

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e caught a cab (lined up infront of the hotel) to Dubai Parks and Resorts and arrived at about 5pm. We had to hop onto a shuttle to Motiongate. We used the entertainer app vouchers- buy one get one free for two parks and decided to include Bollywood Park.

Motiongate is based on Cartoons and Movies eg Madagascar, Smurfs, hotel transylvania, Shrek etc and they were busy constructing a Hunger Games section too. There are many theme park rides eg rollercoasters for adrenaline junkies but plenty for scaredy cats like me too 😁. There are plenty of food outlets available inside the park and you would need about 4 to 5 hours here in offpeak season when there are no queues – in December I don’t even want to think about how long those queues will be! On average our waiting times for rides was 5-15 mins. Park opens at 3 and closes at 10pm. I definitely recommend Motiongate for kids and adults both.

We ended up spending more time that anticipated at Motiongate and at 9:30pm sprinted to Bollywood Park for a quick run through and meal. We caught a fun live street show on entrance. Bollywood park is very small in comparison to Motiongate and I think 2 hours here will be fine , unless you plan on watching many live performances- we missed the hall of heroes and I’m quite curious to know what’s in there- if you’ve been please comment and let me know what we missed.

Another theme park that we didn’t manage to catch was IMG world which I hope to try sometime soon. I was totally dissapointed that Miracle Gardens and Global village are seasonal and thus closed in August- they reopen in November.

We were meant to have supper at ‘Last Exit’ which is a bunch of funky food trucks but unfortunately did not make it here. The sizzling summer app had quite a few discount coupons for many of the outlets.

I also skipped going to Abu Hail for abayas as I honestly had to many with being spoiled by Arabics. Just to let you know that this is the best place to get your abayas.

The next morning was checkout day but my sis and I decided to head early to outlet village- situated next to Dubai Parks and Resorts. I wish that we had more time here! We speed shopped in two hours- found some amazing items at great prices – I definitely recommend this place – I usually go to Outlet mall – I like the Nyaomi outlet , getting my suitcases here as well as the shoe stores here but we skipped it this time jn favour of The outlet village- completely different stores but you can definitely pick up great bargains – Jimmy Choos, Alexander McQueen, DKNY, Ted Baker etc.

We rushed back to the hotel, checked out, grabbed a bite at Tim Hortons at the bottom of our hotel and made our way to our second hotel – the Pullman Residences Dubai creek city Centre. I booked this on the Club Accor App and got a great deal being a loyalty member , which included breakfast. We had a very pleasant check in experience with an upgrade to a room with creek view. Our 2 bedroom apartment was extraordinary and attached to Deira city centre- this allowed me to shop while the guys rested/ got ready. My back was killing me and I decided to take advantage of the Summer Sale at the spa – 50% off treatments booked before 2pm.

There’s a Carrefour at Deira City Centre – we stocked up our fridge and got some snacks here and enjoyed a hearty meal at Bombay Chowpatty – amazing South Indian cuisine – Dosas, chicken Tikkas, Pani puri etc. full review is up on my instagram page.

The next morning we enjoyed a fantastic breakfast at the hotel, after which I headed to the mall for some retail therapy. We then headed to Mirdif Mall where we proceeded to try out Ifly – indoor sky diving. This is something you have to experience atleast once in your life. We used the entertainer app buy one get one free and this included a high fly experience. A fun experience for all ages! We were dissapointed that their printer wasn’t working and so we left without our pics. Supper was a quick but vert tasty Johnny Rockets before we headed out to the Mall of the Emirates. Nb: Debenhams at Mirdif Mall stocks Aab 😉.

At MoE we headed for Ski Dubai utilising the entertainer app once again for a buy one get one free deal. Free gloves are provided – make sure to carry a beanie/neck scarf as it’s freezing inside (as expected- it is snow). We had a fantastic time on the rides, queues were short so we didn’t really have to wait. We spent about 90-120 minutes here-after a while we couldn’t feel our toes and needed to leave. This is definitely another Must do in Dubai atleast once.

On our last day in Dubai we headed to City Walk for lunch intending to try out Farzi (every South African suggested this place) but ended up at Harper’s Bazaar instead. In my opinion City Walk is way over hyped, stores are expensive with no sales and I honestly didn’t understand the point of coming here. The meal was enjoyed, we were grateful for another 20% off our meal with the sizzling summer app.

Next stop – a birthday supper at Dubai Mall – at Tgi Fridays. We enjoyed a little retail therapy then proceeded to dinner. First time ever that there was no waiting list for the balcony- the heat may have something to do with it but also I loved being in Dubai in this offpeak season- no waits/queues, eid sales everywhere, sizzling summer specials – really great time to be in Dubai- and I loved the weather!

Our table overlooked the Dubai musical Fountain, food was the best (as always) – the best meal I had in Dubai! Full review on my instagram. The mall closed at 12 am due to eid being around the corner but I don’t like shopping at this mall- its too confusing and there weren’t any great sales… other malls also had better stock.

We had intended to have dessert again at switch and we just didnt get the time. Also Ravis was again high on our list but we skipped it with the limited time. My 2015 Dubai trip is still on my instagram – but in brief- Atlantis , Ibn Battuta mall (supper at Slap fish me) , Naif souk, metro travelling, souk madinat jumeirah and Deira creek Abra with shopping at the spice and textile souks and Dubai Marina Mall are a few highlights from the previous trip.

Ps:

The entertainer app costs 66 usd , sizzling summer app was free. Also be sure to check out all the discounts offered if you present your emirates boarding pass at certain restaurants and attractions- can be found on emirates website.

Loving the gift more than the giver -anonymous writer

Loving the gift more than the giver

Inspired by Yasmin Mogahed.

To be completely honest, I struggled with my journey to Allah SWT. I faced test after test, and all I did was question Allah SWT, as to why He SWT  is constantly punishing me or taking my things away. It was only when Ramadhaan this year began, that I took one step at a time in His SWT's direction, and everything began to make sense. This is my story in the journey towards Allah SWT.

Growing up, all I wanted was to be someone's wife and have half a dozen of children. I didn't focus on studying or on good marks, school was a past time to grow up so that I could be married. Reality, however, was very far from my expectations. Everyone around me got a proposal, got  married and I became the designated single girl. Until one day it all changed.

It doesn't matter now how I met my ex husband, what matters is we got married in a whirlwind. I was so excited to finally be a bride and someone's wife that nothing and no one else mattered. It didn't matter that I failed to pray Istikharah or even Shukr salah. It didn't even matter that I didn't even care about salah at all. All I cared about was my princess gown and my fairy tale wedding, it didn't even phase me to ask Allah swt for minimum guidance as I entered this new phase of my life.

I made off with a Quraan from my parental home, which was to be forgotten, and into a loveless marital home. All my nightmares came true in this "fairytale" of mine. My Prince Charming didn't even bother waiting a week before informing me that I was to work full time as he couldn't afford my upkeep.

Arguments that once lasted a few hours, turned into days and sometimes into weeks. I lived far from my parental home, and I maintained an appearance of happiness. I never experienced happiness. I was in a bottomless vortex. Lonely, and my then husband offered nothing, not even a cold shoulder. Not once did it occur to me to turn to the Creator of my heart. I was convinced that this loveless marriage was my punishment for perhaps looking for an easy way out of my parents' home. I never once considered it a test of my Imaan. Come to think of it, what Imaan? I cant even once recall praying salah behind my ex husband. The Quraan that was a gift, I never completed reading it once. Who was I back then?

One day, happiness came, in the form of a positive pregnancy test. Amidst my storm, I was going to be a mummy. At least Allah SWT gave me something. It wasn't everything, I thought to myself, but something. And I could live with it. My belly grew and my little girl was active. I had a healthy pregnancy apart from the 24/7 morning sickness, and my baby was especially calm when I played Imaam Sudays on the speakers of the tv. I should have taken that as a sign that I was losing my way. I didn't. I was making my baby happy and nothing else mattered.

Salah and tilawah of the Quraan were never prominent in my house, even though those were the values that my mother instilled in me. I wanted to be a wife and mum, and I fed that by going shopping and buying everything in sight. I only wanted what was mine, and what was mine was this baby. Because she was inside of me, she really belonged to me. A lesson that I learnt the hard way.

My baby was born 6 weeks too early, too beautiful for this world and 17 days later, Allah swt called her home. She was never mine. She was a gift, a gift from the Almighty SWT. To teach me the value of gratitude, which until then I hadn't learnt. I still refused to learn. I blamed everyone, including myself, for the death of my baby. I often sat on the Musallah (prayer mat) and cried. And what did I cry about, I cried that Allah SWT chose to punish me. Instead of giving me a happy marriage, I had an awful husband and a baby in her grave. Surely Allah swt hated me. My whole vision of Allah SWT being merciful in this world was so skewed.

All I knew was that I wanted everything back and I was ready to die for all of it. I went into clinical depression and somewhere along I realized I was pregnant. All the signs were there but I kept myself in denial until I was 6 months along. I didn't want this child. I wanted my first born. My beautiful dimpled princess with her pitch black hair. I didn't want a replacement child. I wanted to die and not go on. My life was over even before it even began and I as convinced that happiness was not in my destiny.

My second daughter was born and even though I was breastfeeding her, I had such severe post natal depression, that I rejected her for almost 6 weeks. She wasn't MY baby. This was Allah SWT's way of replacing what He SWT owed me, I thought to myself. Over and over again. Again, it never struck me to pray, for forgiveness or to say Alhamdulillah. This baby was to fill the space of her sister. And my marriage would glue itself together automatically.

Was I wrong on so many levels. My little girl sensed my rejection and even at 3 weeks old howled until she heard my voice when I was not around. She knew who she wanted, she knew me by smell and sound. Until today, she is just as attached to me, through my voice and scent.

My marriage, on the other hand, went in the completely polar opposite direction. My ex and I drifted. The arguments seized and our marriage was ruled by uncomfortable silence. I couldn't live like this, I began to wither away. My baby felt on edge whenever an argument eventually ensued. One day, I just asked him to leave, and he did. He hasn't looked back and its been over seven years.

Nothing describes the past seven years better than the cliché of a rollercoaster. The highs were too high and the lows were too low. There have been in between's as well.. but none as memorable as how I got to where I am. When my child's father left, I was emotionally distraught. Like in the movies, I expected him to fight for me, come and fetch me, be saved like Goldilocks. As sad as that picture looked, it was also less than realistic. Those were fairytales and I was a Muslim woman going through talaaq.

My father became my pillar, of strength, of hope and of wisdom. He encouraged me to excel at work, and to put all my energy into being a better person. He also begged me to pray.  "Pray?" I asked him. "Yes, istighfar and shukr", he replied. I laughed, in anger, bitterly and responded in the worst way possible.
"Allah SWT is punishing ME, why must I ask for forgiveness? And you still telling me to be grateful?", I spat at him.

He was so patient through my angry outbursts, but I was so broken . Eventually, as time went by, I had nothing left to loose, so I decided to try his advice. He had also gone through a divorce, before marrying my mum, so he wasn't making anything up. I went with it.

Everyday I woke up and said Alhamdulillah. Some days, I couldn't look into the mirror, other days I could muster a smile. I continued my internship, one day at a time.
I got the highest mark in class, and I was offered permanent employment. Within that hardship, I found the ease that Allah swt promises all the believers.

Yet I continued denying his favors unto me. I still wanted to be a wife and have more children. That longing grew bigger and bigger, but I continued working and providing for my baby, watching her grow, bigger, smarter and her happiness slowly became my reason to live.

Couple of moves, and years later, and here I am. A corporate job, almost done with a law degree, a few lucrative offers. My life is nothing that I had previously envisioned, but Alhamdulillah I have been so blessed by Allah swt. His mercy is boundless, if we look for the ease within the hardship. My gratitude became my blessings, and I slowly began to see the bigger picture.

 The right now warrants its own chapter. I used to be a music addict. Specifically, a Shah Rukh Khan fan of note. So much so that my earphones were kept under the pillow in the case of insomnia so that I could watch Shah Rukh Khan. Music was my life. Day in day out. My salah and Quraan made occasional appearances, I had learnt gratitude, but I couldn't give up music. I still wanted all the shiny beautiful things money could buy and all I dreamt was meeting Shah Rukh Khan.

It was in this way that I found Allah SWT.  I had become addicted to my earpho nes and my day couldn't start or end without it. I began panicking around the time for Ramadhaan, and eventually I found the podcast application on my iPhone. I subscribed randomly to Mufti Ismail Menk, Ustadha Yasmin Mogahed and Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan. Emotionally I was a complete wreck, I had just lost someone who was an integral part of my life, through some argument or the other. I needed something solid, and slowly I began listening to podcasts from these speakers.

In particular, Nouman Ali Khan, was doing tafseer of Surah Baqarah. This was the entire story of the struggles of Prophet Moosa AS, that Allah swt revealed to Nabi Muhammad SAW, as lessons of emotional strength, patience and perseverance. I slowly began to analyse the tiny details in my life, and constantly doubled checked these lessons with my friends around me. I, indeed, had gained so much.
Allah SWT gains nothing by neither taking or giving to me. He SWT gives more than He SWT takes away.

All my tests were designed for my to turn back to Allah SWT. Everything that I had lost was never mine to begin with. It was all the gift, and I was so attached to the gift that not once my heart felt love for the Giver. The same Giver who was the Creator of my heart. My heart belonged solely to Allah swt, and I needed this realization in order to heal from so many scars from the past.

The end goal is Jannah. Nothing in this life prepares one for Jannah, but we need to strive (Sa'ee) in order to attain Jannah. This is where I placed my gifts in front of me and began to thank the Giver, Allah SWT. My daughter was never mine to begin with. Her 17 days of life were to show me a piece of Jannah in this world. How many of us are blessed with such a huge trial in this world, to be guaranteed Jannah through the death of an infant? Indeed, with hardship comes ease. And, indeed I had been blind. My feelings were made up of resentment and anger as I had struggled to be grateful. 

I have acquired a love and passion for social reform and human rights law. I have countless of ideas on how to ease the lives of people, both through Shariah and secular means. Add to this the many friends I have who listen to my ideas for days. When I picture the happy families portrait in my mind, it no longer correlates. Perhaps my marriage was a way to help my grow. Into the person I am today. I doubt that being married, I would have been compassionate or so inclined to help human beings as I am right now. Don't think I am saying marriage is wrong. It isn't. In fact, it is half your deen. But the other half has to be perfected by you as a woman, as a Muslima, through everything you do. You do not have to have a man by your side in order to conquer the world. Remember Prophet Isa AS's mother, Maryam AS. She was a single mother and she is in the Quraan as the Queen of Jannah. Taking that into account, I live each day, trying to better my life. In the way I pray, both in quality and quantity. Small baby steps. 

I am trying to be a better human being. A better daughter. A better mother. A better co worker. While I do not have a husband, I am, however, blessed to serve my beloved parents. I am thankful to Allah SWT for teaching us that without our parents, we are nothing. Without their duas, the doors to Jannah will not open. I am grateful to serve them, as an adult, as a daughter and as a friend. Perhaps, if I was married, I would not be able to serve them in this way that they deserve. They have sacrificed so much for my daughter and I and I hope that soon inshallah I will be able to repay them.

As a mother, I write this with an aching heart, as I hope that one day I will be able to relate all of this to my daughter and that she understands the journey I have been on, and I hope to continue on, and that she feels some sort of pride in who I have decided to be. I hope that she never experiences heartache or sadness, but even if she does, I hope that through my experience she understands that Allah SWT always promises an ease in every hardship, and that she doesn't take as long as I did to learn this.

Mas – Salaam.

A message of hope – anonymous reader shares her story

 
 
 
I am 42 years. I was raised by a single mother – my mother – my best friend, my confidant, my everything. I didn’t have a very happy and stable childhood. I was forced at some stage in my pathetic life to live with my dad! It was an awful time of my life as I was abused as a kid – by the 2nd wife – she was a witch, she used to deliberately keep me home from school and hit me! so badly that I would bleed,  some of you may ask, how I remember this…I somehow remember this as though it had occurred yesterday! I WAS ONLY 7 YEARS OLD!!! Needless to say that my dad believed only what his wife told him!
Having managed to live through that with the help of Allah –  and as I kept running away from home, I eventually ended up living with my beloved mother.
Marriage and having babies – was not for me! having come from a broken home – I never ever wanted to hear about getting into a relationship with someone, let alone getting married! I never imagined I would meet someone and fall in love! I didn’t want this to happen to me…
 
And yip I fell in love with an amazing man! We got married – I was 23 years old. For 2 years thereafter, my mother in law drilled the thought in my head that having babies is totally not allowed… she said that we are too young! It was forbidden! After year 2 had passed, the  statement kept coming out of people’s mouths – “it’s time for a baby now”, you are married for 2 years already” bla bla bla … we kept laughing it off. Approximately 18 months had passed by now and hubby and I discussed that the time has come – we want a baby! We were married for 3 ½ years already!  By now I’ve been off the pill for 2 years already – as it had made me quite sick. So we figured there’d be no issue in conceiving! 6 months went on to 1 year, then 2 years, we figured this may be a serious concern now! I went for regular check-ups to the gynae, there was never an issue…so what could possibly be wrong?!
One eventful morning I woke up with an extremely heavy and painful period. Totally unbearable – I was in tears and could barely walk straight up. We visited the gynae, who couldn’t do much for me as I was on my period. She prescribed pain killers and suggested bed rest until the heavy period had subsided. I lived through that and visited her 10 days later. She booked me in for a laparoscope. The prognosis wasn’t great… I had a condition called Endometriosis…it sounded like an awful disease to me…she further confirmed that I had only one ovary, instead of two!  She had lasered away the endometriosis and apparently people who have one ovary manage to fall pregnant. So there was no issue. She started me on fertility pills, gave me the run-down of what to do and what not to do and to let her know what happens. I bought a home ovulation test, we would rush home during working hours to do the “big thing” when I was ovulating, we went on weekends away and holidays, laid with my legs up in the air for hours and had all sorts of massages done, went to a molana, drank holy water, changed our diet and lifestyle – but. Still. nothing.
2 years went by and nothing had happened. My gynae said we must give up and let it be…as I was not born to be a mother! I was devastated.. heartbroken beyond words. I cried and stopped eating for days, I went into a complete depression. I felt empty, worthless, useless – it was an indescribable pain! MY husband was the elder sibling in his family… it was quite apparent by now that his parents were concerned.  What if he leaves me! I will be a divorcee.. these were the scary thoughts going through my mind!  Everywhere we went that dreadful question popped up… “when is the baby coming, OMG – can’t you fall pregnant?, I know of someone who also can’t have kids, shame man! “ “ go and see a molana!” oh and my hubby was told by the male folk “ you are not scoring enough goals”!!!    This was what we were faced with! Close family were talking about us, gossiping about our situation. It was so weird because nobody had even know what our issues really were.  It was all assumption on their part! But they were right! Cousins and friends were having babies – some of them were even twins!
 
Hubby didn’t tell a soul. I only told my mum, who has kept it a top secret. We both agreed that if Allah doesn’t want to give us a child – that’s what is meant to be and we will accept it. We ignored peoples remarks and ugly thoughts. UNTIL – I received what was considered to be the worst news ever to me. My older sister – 9 years my senior, who had already had 3 kids – WAS PREGNANT. She was very upset because “ she didn’t want another child at this stage in her life”!!! I loved her kids with all my heart and soul. BUT OMG – how can this be!? This is not happening – I was devastated. I was not jealous, I didn’t hate her.  But why?! I asked Allah – why He could not have implanted that embryo in my body! I WANT ONE CHILD – JUST ONE CHILD – YA ALLAH! PLEASE HELP ME!! – I cried day in and day out – questioning ALLAH. I wondered if Allah heard me! I was embarrassed!
 My hubby was strong and comforted me all the time. We eventually seeked the assistance of a fertility gynae. Hubby was not very happy. But he did it for me. The tests were devastating for him – the questions made him very uncomfortable – but the true gentleman that he is – he answered them very diligently. I went into hospital for another  procedure, started on various medications and supplements and the DR eventually decided we would start off with artificial insemination! I was so positive and excited. The day arrived when my period was due… I waited in anticipation! My period was late. I was super excited. Even though I was told not to – I did a home pregnancy test! IT WAS POSITIVE. I contacted the gynae immediately. Went in for the bloods, it was positive, however one week later- I started bleeding. Apparently my body was unable to further produce the HCG hormone ( or something like that)!!! I died a million deaths! By now I was numb – totally lost! I loved kids. I was always the one who baby sat everybody else’s kids. I loved little baby girls! I couldn’t move pass this! Why me, why me? my siblings had 4 kids each!


 
After my hospitalisation – we went in for a check-up and this time the doc suggested the IVF procedure. Hubby said if this doesn’t work – its game over. NO. MORE. TRYING.! I agreed wholeheartedly. It was an awful few months. What an agony! So many tests and procures and injections! It all sounded easy when they explained it to us but was so very taxing on our relationship, taking time off from work.  Crying in between, and major depression!  And throughout this – we only confided in each other. As for me – I still had my best friend, my beloved mother.. my pillar of strength. She made dua – gave me tons of encouragement and hope and many duas to read. 4 embryos were transferred! It was apparently normal for our age and situation! We laughed at the fact that we could end up with 4 babies. We cried in between too, that we may end up having none!  It was an emotional roller coaster! The day arrived when according to my personal period diary – a period was due. I didn’t think much about it – as I was 2 days away from the pregnancy blood tests. Subconsciously  I fretted over the fact that I could just start bleeding!  but thankfully nothing happened! Omg – I can’t believe this! 2 weeks went by and still no bleeding. No home pregnancy test this time either! However I felt different… I can’t explain but I was calm and content… just different! People commented that I looked different too. I went in for my blood tests and with the help of the Almighty Allah – I WAS PREGNANT! We obviously did not tell anyone, I told my mum! The doctor suggested that we don’t tell anyone either until our tests are repeated.  I could not believe it… all the injections and tests and scans were finally over! Sadly only one embryo stuck. But that was the one that I kept making dua for. So I didn’t freak out!
 
My pregnancy and birth was not great. I was quite ill during my pregnancy. I was as hospitalised several times – had a condition called placenta previa resulting in IUGR(intra uterine growth restriction), high BP, my body could not produce sufficient amniotic fluid, so I couldn’t  feel much movement from baby, which resulted in me going to the hospital at odd times off the day and night for a fetal monitor to be placed on my tummy to just hear my sweet baby boys heart beat! I bled at 3 months pregnant, but with the Almighty’s help – my pregnancy continued, with major bedrest!
Due to my high risk pregnancy – check-ups were done every 2 weeks and as baby stopped growing we bailed out at 31 weeks, giving birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing in 1.2kgs. He wasn’t breathing at birth and had an apgar score of 1, 5 and 8. Sadly he became quite ill when he was 2 days old – resulting in him being hospitalised for 2 months! He is my special angel today!  He is 13 years old now… it’s been a tough journey and believe me when I tell you – don’t expect anyone to understand your journey, especially if they’ve never had to walk your path! People are nasty and the ugly stigma attached to infertility and disability respectively is pathetic!!! You would expect that people are supposed to love and care for you during this process and be more sympathetic … but the malicious talks that goes surrounding an individual’s infertility is nasty! Trust nobody but Allah, depend on nobody but Allah, expect from nobody but Allah! This is what I’ve learnt through my journey.
I HAVE MY ONE CHILD… THAT ONE CHILD THAT I’VE ASKED FOR, WAS GIVEN TO ME… I EXPECTED IT TO HAPPEN IN MY TIME. IT HAPPENED WHEN ALLAH FELT THE TIME IS RIGHT.
Infertility is an emotional roller coaster and we are told to be calm and positive during this journey, one only knows the feeling when you are walking that path. They say everything happens for a reason… the hardest thing about this, is waiting for that reason to come along!
I now walk a different path – a mother to a special needs child and in our community today – people see this as a plague…looking at the child as though he is an alien. If only they know that Jannat is guaranteed to these beautiful Angels. J
Ps- sadly my beloved mother passed away when my son was 5 years old. May Allah grant our all our deceased mothers Jannatul Firdous. Aameen.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Loving an addict-anonymous reader’s attention

The scourge of drug , drinking and porn addiction in our communities is destroying our homes,relationships and community as a whole. I don't think there's anyone out there that can truly say that they don't know anyone that is or has been addicted to either drugs or porn in this day and age.

Shame keeps us from seeking help. What will people say? Our son in rehab? Can never be! We will beat it out of him. Send him for 40 days jamaat. Maybe it's jadoo – these are all likely responses of people around the addict.

Let's get real. I've been in this situation many times. I love a recovering addict. This road has not been easy. There is no overnight fix and relapses do occur- this is the nature of addiction. I've had to push him into a car and drive him hours to a rehab in the middle of the night because he relapsed. I've had to leave him so that his parents could stop being manipulated by his lies and see for themselves how serious his condition is. I've seen it all, done it all- and yet you may ask why I still love him, why am I still with him?

The simple truth is he's the nicest person I know with a heart of gold who is the best husband except for this one flaw- I love him. He fell into bad company in campus which led to addiction and years later a serious medical condition needed strong medication and this resulted in another addiction- but through all that I've seen how hard he tries to stay clean, that this is really not the life he wants and I know I can help him. I've been told numerous times by rehabs that if I leave him he has no-one else that is equipt to deal with his issue , no-one around him strong enough to deal with this and I know this- if I leave he has no hope. I also see the other men at the rehab, I hear about other addicts from friends and family and I wonder if I won't end up in the same situation if I leave and find someone else because honestly it is THAT common. I cannot leave, move on and let him destroy himself and his life- he deserves more.

Druggies as many love calling them are not just those shabby looking, dirty junkies you used to see sleeping on the streets or begging at the robots. No my darlings, they are lawyers, teachers, doctors, anaesthesists, pharmacists, businessmen , grandfathers and yes even aalims. They're these haaro looking poiros with beards who are huffaaz that you sit next to at the masjid and can even lead a somewhat normal life most of the time- they're quite good at hiding it.

Tv makes drinking and alcohol look so cool , that even someone like me whose lived through this nightmare , who knows the devastating effects that drugs can have has caught myself thinking 'hmm cocaine looks so fun in the movie, wished I'd tried it when I was younger'. Just one time wont hurt etc- NO , NO , NO – this is dangerous thinking- we need to inculcate this awareness that drugs and alcohol is completely haraam – awareness that Allah does not accept your ibaadat for 40 days after indulging- that it WILL remove all barakah from your life, that you would never want to die in this state and that many times all it really takes is just one snort, puff, shot, injection to have you craving more.

It's not something we can keep sweeping under the rug. There are kids younger than 12 in rehabs, you need to be more involved in your kid's lives. Peer pressure and the wrong company plays a huge role. 'It's just dagga' is not an acceptable response- dagga can cause mental illness, is intoxicating and is a gateway drug- don't be naive. Many times dagga is mixed with other drugs too.

Women are also increasingly resorting to drugs so much so that there are now rehabs specifically for muslim females in South Africa. Sometimes the husband gets the wife hooked so that he can continue 'partying' – our muslim men are giving their wives to drug dealers for the night for drugs- this is a REALITY.

So this is all happening and I know many of you in this situation are probably sitting feeling hopeless, you feel alone, you don't know what to do anymore and this is why I wanted to share what I've learnt over the years with you because I know this can help so many people in the same or similar situation :

1. Do not be an enabler. When they are in active addiction do not give into money demands. They may even steal from you. Take away their atm cards. Do not let them drive under the influence. It may be necessary to even take their cellphone away so that they cannot call their dealers. All family members need to be on the same page. You cannot have the wife being hard and trying to do the stuff mentioned and the parents or siblings giving into demands in secret.

2. If you don't believe them when they say they haven't taken anything , ask them to do a drug test – make sure you watch them actually pee into the container, many times they will google ways to pass drug tests (adding chemicals in the urine) or add water into the sample.

3. Jamaat is not the answer, with all due respect, you cannot just send someone with a serious drug or alcohol addiction straight into jamaat and expect a miracle- they WILL have physical withdrawals. I've even heard about addicts going into jamaat and then stealing the collection box, clocks and frames to sell for drugs. This may be helpful AFTER detox and rehabilitation but not during active addiction.

4. I hear often that 'you cannot make someone change' that if they don't want to change then rehab won't help them. Understand this- a person who is in active addiction , while going through psychological and physical withdrawal will most often refuse to go into rehab- it is not their choice, YOU have to be strong- tough love etc. You can only have a decent conversation with them once they're sober. Also, they don't get a say in the matter- they are endangering themselves and those around them- It's also illegal- It's upto you to put your foot down and get them the help they need. Once they are detoxed, withdrawal free and level headed they will thank you- trust me. Occasionally you do get those who will say they love the lifestyle, they love the high and they do want that lifestyle even when sober- this is when you have to decide if you can live with an addict forever because living with a recovering addict and living with an addict are two different things.

5. Violence and abuse from them should not be tolerated. Again, tough love. They are honestly the best manipulators and are excellent at making you feel sorry for them and playing on your emotions. If they get violent have them put in cuffs and taken to rehab. If they steal from you or are behaving dangerously then call the cops, have them arrested and let the ultimatum be jail or rehab. This will require you to be incredibly firm and strong – you have to be cruel to be kind.

6. Rehab is the answer but not one or two weeks. Minimum 21 days but longer is usually better. A rehab that has proper counsellors or social workers, that focuses on spiritual upliftment but also builds them up and doesn't break them down. In this instance I recommend Crescent of hope in magaliesberg- this place was life changing for me and my marriage. Uncle Rafiq at the centre is amazing with his advice and counselling and dealing not only with the addict and addiction but also repairing the family unit as a whole. (Fyi-Zakaatable patients are catered for).

7. Understand that relapses do happen, the key is acting on it the moment you notice it- getting them help immediately and not giving into their pleas that it was 'only once' or that they can fight the addiction on their own etc- be firm and strong. Ultimatums also work most times. Here though you cannot keep giving ultimatums and making threats and not acting on them- they will not take you seriously or respect you.

8. Even once they're out keep in touch with the rehab facility. Magaliesberg offers boosters, where you go in for a few days every few months for motivation and as a reminder- these are a good idea. Don't take it for granted that they did the rehab and will be fine- addiction is a daily struggle- reminders are good- reminding them why they need to stay clean, motivating and reconnecting spiritually.

9. Naltrexone implants are being done around the country and it can be very beneficial getting these done after a proper rehab and detox. This helps with opioid addiction so eg heroin and even for alcohol addiction. It lasts 3 months and then you can have another implant done. Naltrexone is also available in tablet form but then obviously this is more difficult to monitor. Naltrexone ensures that even if they take something they feel sick and don't get a high so they won't even try to take anything on Naltrexone. Naltrexone is very different to Suboxone and Subutex- it isn't habit forming.

10. Allah consciousness- zikr, salaah, taalim at home, listening to inspirational talks in the car all will help them try to stay clean once they're clear headed. Good company, being surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family gives them motivation to stay clean. Inclusion not shaming and exclusion- love and support and helping them get back on their feet.

11. Distractions- having something to focus on that they're passionate about and that keeps their minds busy will be beneficial after rehabilitation. Hobbys, sports etc. I've frequently been told that having a child or another child may give them the push they need and make them 'grow up' – I actually know someone who did change when the wife gave him an ultimatum that she would take their unborn child and move out if he didn't clean up his act- this was when he got help and has been clean ever since… this won't work for everyone though. Its also not something I would advise- bringing a child into that situation hoping it will change them.

12. Sometimes they need further counselling, there are unresolved childhood issues, self esteem issues etc- even a life coach can sometimes help. But unfortunately not everyone has issues – some are honestly just so deep in it and love the high- they need to find other things in life that give them a natural high- passions- things to live for and get excited about.

13. Disowning, shaming, ridiculing will not get you far. It is upto us and I firmly believe it is our responsibility that when our fellow brother or sister slips that we try and help them up. Hate the sin not the sinner, understand that this is not the life anyone would've chosen for themselves , that they can't help themselves but YOU the people around them can help them- every time they slip up put them right back into rehab. Although if you are in a marriage and have children and you have tried getting them help several times and whatever I've suggested then it may be time you gave up- thinking about their safety and getting them out of an unhealthy situation- that doesn't mean their family has to also give up though- someone around them should try to help their family member nomatter how frustrating it may be – if this means leaving them in the rehab for 6 months, 12 months then so be it. It's about saving a life. At times if you truly have exhausted all options, if they have resorted to crime or prostitution to feed their habits and are a danger to you and the rest of the family it may be necessary to cut ties- only you know what your reality is- I cannot tell you what to do – I can only urge you to exhaust all options so that you don't regret the decision for the rest of your life. You also can't make someone change, you can get them help and once they're sober you need to hear how they truly feel- if they blatantly after detox and counselling would rather choose drugs over life then you have to Whats right for you too.

14. Understand what their triggers are and keep an eye out for them. This involves keeping the lines of communication open. Spot/surprise drug tests may even be a good idea and motivation not to slip up.

15. Get yourself help- it can be so exhausting both physically and mentally living with an addict, you need your own support structure and counselling. Addicts will often guilt you and manipulate you into keeping their secret- they make it seem like you broke their trust or you divulged secrets from the marriage- NO! addiction is not a marriage issue, it is NOT something you should be forced to deal with alone. Get them help, get yourself help- give them an ultimatum- pack your bags and leave and demand they get proper help if they're refusing. Do NOT keep quiet and do nothing (this doesn't mean you shout it out to the world, you can still conceal their faults by telling only those who can actually be of assistance). Work on yourself, make your own money, let him realise that you have options, that you are strong enough to manage on your own if you need to- this may give him the realisation that he could genuinely lose you and he may be more willing to seek help- if you have nowhere to go, are financially reliable on him etc he may just use this to take advantage of the situation and threaten to leave YOU if you tell anyone about his addiction.

16. When we hear about people having affairs, gambling, dealing in ribaa etc we don't look down on them as much as those who have a drug or alcohol addiction- why? Are they not all major sins? We also seem as a community to view drinking as worse that popping pills. The amount of people young and old that are seriously addicted to codeine based products like stilpane, adco-dols etc and sleeping pills is alarming yet many times we don't class them as 'druggies' yet codeine,morphine,heroin are in the same class. We definitely need more awareness. Porn addiction is also quite serious and not something to be taken lightly.

17. As for jadoo and evil eye – yes occasionally perhaps this may be the case but they will still have developed a physical addiction and simply taking them to an aamil only isn't going to solve the problem at hand. Let's get serious! They were using the drugs and need detox and to get over the withdrawal stage nomatter what led them to it.

18. Some people are truly beyond help, most commonly once they've tried heroin and in this case I honestly don't have any answers for you. I have not been in this situation But I do understand that it is the worst with the highest rate of relapse. Implants every three months may not be in everyone's budget, tablets are also around R1000 every month- It's sometimes necessary to see things for what they are and decide if it's worth it, if you're fighting a losing battle or not.

19. Sometimes YOU also need to change. Yes YOU. I didn't realise this till I heard a talk about Allah not changing the condition of people until they change themselves. I needed to connect with my creator, I needed to read all these duas to ask Allah to help him and keep him clean, to help me and give me stength, to guide me. I needed to change so that he could change too. I needed to read Salaatul Hajaat and all my other prayers that I had been neglecting. At every step I sought his guidance with Istikharah and HE always showed me what to do. Sometimes this is your test too.

20. They need someone to talk to when they're thinking of relapsing or having a hard day- ideally this should be the wife/some other close family that they can call for motivation and counselling and so you can help them to remove triggers and access to substances or just keep them busy and help them cope with the psychological addiction- sometimes this may be a professional eg someone from the rehab but at any stage that they slip up they need to understand that the best thing for everyone is to come clean and let you know immediately so that you can help them to help themselves- it might sound impossible but with proper communication free of judgment, yelling and belittling it is absolutely possible. Know the signs to look out for.

21. A dua given to me by mufti Siraj Desai to read constantly truly helped me. There isn't a day that I don't read this dua for him.

Rabbana Hablana min azwaajina wadhurriy-yatina, Qurrata a’ayun wa-jalna lil-muttaqeena Imaama
  O my Rabb! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous [25:74]

No-one can really tell a wife to stay and put up with this type of behaviour- you know what you can bare- you should seek Allah's help and take it from there but I can tell you that happiness is possible. Having the man/woman that you love back is possible, recovering from drug addiction is very possible with an awesome support structure not by shunning people, not by exclusion and disowning people but only with love, tough love and proper help. It is not an easy road- it is one full of tears, dissapointments, 'why mes' , anger, frustration etc but sometimes it IS all worth it.

Allah ease the pain of all those watching the ones they love go down this destructive path. Allah give you strength to do the right thing and get them the right help. Allah make it easy for all the people fighting their nafs and addictions daily , give them the strength to stay clean- give their family the understanding of how to help them. Help us as a community to keep our children amd spouses away from all things harmful and give us your guidance to do what is best for us and them. Ameen