My journey through iddat
After 5 months of separation, confusion, mixed emotions, sleepless nights and endless duas the message finally came with an image attached of the "statement of divorce". I stood there with utmost shock as I read out the msg and gazed at the attached image. All I could think about was, is it really over? Immediately I read the dua taught to Umm Salamah (R.A) by our beloved prophet Nabi Muhammad S.A.W: "Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji`un. Allahumma ajirni fi musibati, wakhluf ni khairun minha (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. O Allah! Compensate me in my affliction, recompense my loss and give me something better in exchange for it.)
Although I wanted this divorce as things between my ex husband and I kept getting worse each day it felt as if my heart, body and soul were shattered into millions of pieces. Tears kept coming out of my eyes whenever I was left alone. The first week dragged so did the second and the third, my only form of solace was when I sat alone on the musallah while everyone was fast asleep and cried my heart out.
Day by day with the help of Allah I managed to get stronger and stronger, I kept myself busy with some hobbies whilst making continuous zikr, as this helped me "forget" the reality of the matter. As the days and hours passed I kept thinking of how i could've or should've been a better wife and perhaps done things differently. I kept thinking about every detail of my marriage.
After a year of marriage, a year of losing myself completely I finally got the courage to walk out of my ex husbands house and step out of that strange but sometimes nice relationship called marriage. My year of marriage was filled with countless tears, lonely nights and long days, endless misery and some good memories too. I felt more alone in my marriage as compared to when I was single. For many nights I slept alone, for many days I ate alone, basically I lived alone. I longed for companionship from my husband, for his attention, for his love, for his time but all I got instead was endless criticism, nasty comments and insane mood swings. There were compliments and good memories too but weighing them out their were definitely more bad memories.
I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried, I was always placed at the bottom of his priority list, I kept thinking that something was "wrong" with me until eventually I lost who I really was. I went from being a bubbly and friendly person to a quiet, reserved, sad person who lost all her self-confidence, self worth and self esteem. I felt almost stupid and worthless.This is when I realized I had to do what is best for me and get away.
Emotional abuse is equal to physical abuse or sometimes worse as broken bones heal, but broken minds are hard to heal. I was in denial, I kept telling myself that it's impossible I'm not in an abusive marriage, things will change and get better with time but in fact it only got worse.
As my second month of iddat passed I dealt with my anger and all my different emotions. I finally started accepting the fact that I'm now a divorcee and free from it all. Ironically free as I was, there were times where I missed him so much and I didn't even know why. Was I missing the abuse? Was I missing the tight hugs in the middle of the night which made me forget the reality of the situation? Was I missing the fact that I gave my world for someone else besides me? What was I really missing? I still don't know.
As I came into the last month of my iddat I was stronger than ever and ready to face the world, until… One afternoon my sister came with the most shocking news ever that my ex husband had remarried overnight. As I heard this my legs had an instant tremor, my throat had a huge lump, my eyes filled with tears that had to be hidden. I just couldn't believe what I heard. I know his allowed to marry and there's nothing wrong with him re-marrying, but I just couldn't help but wonder if she was the reason I got what I got? Was she the reason behind it all? Was she the reason I cried so many tears. I felt completely shattered, broken, betrayed, let down, insulted, frustrated and angry. I worked so hard to accept and deal with everything and as I was almost at the finish line I had to deal with this.
What made it worse is that he kept telling me to go back to him right until a week before his nikaah, this threw me off track and I felt like my world around me was crumbling all over again. I felt angry at him for every little thing that he'd done to me. I cried To Allah to help me through this ordeal and accept it too.
Allah Almighty made me realize in just a matter of days that this was all part of my taqdeer. I can never question it because what was meant for me would never miss me and what missed me was never meant for me. A friend then forwarded me an ayat from the Holy Quraan which made me feel so much better it said "Do not lose heart against the heaviest of trials and never be in a state of grief, for you are bound to succeed if you are true in faith" (3;13 al-Quraan)" I picked myself up and said this is not how my story is going to end, I will have full faith in Allah!! His plans for me are far better than my plans for me.
With this I managed to end my iddat in peace and accept it all, the drama, the trauma, the happiness, the sadness, the pain, and the gain.
Iddat is an amazing compulsory act in which Allah allows you to reflect on what has transpired, to accept the will of Allah and most importantly to heal all the wounds that were inflicted upon you. My divorce will always be a part of me and the scars will remain forever, however I make dua to Allah to grant me the perfect companion who will be good for me, for my imaan, my well-being, my family, my kids, and for my life in this world and in the Aakirah. Aameen.
May Allah accept my iddat and make it easy for all those who are in iddat and those who are in abusive marriages. Aameen.